The body of work on polyamory is now large enough that the
same core material can be found in many different works. Thus, the ideas and concepts presented here
are by no means original. I have read
about them often from many different authors.
Far less common is gender-specific writings. Knowing much more about the male than the
female psyche, I decided to fill this void by writing to heterosexual men,
hopefully in terms men understand. I
have some credentials for doing this: Firstly, I am a man, and secondly, I come
from the school of hard knocks and have learned many what-not-to-dos from
personal experience. Of course, with the
exception of some obvious guy stuff, much of what is written here can apply
equally to any relationship consisting of any persons of any sex, gender or
orientation.
I. Polyamory transcends common perception and is often
misunderstood. Polyamory is defined as
having or desiring multiple simultaneous romantic relationships, with the
knowledge and consent of all concerned.
While accurate, this definition fails to convey a complete
understanding. Polyamory is heart-driven
and about allowing love to flow freely in whatever direction or form and to
whomever the heart desires. It is about
loving radically. In her book, Redefining
Our Relationships, Wendy-O Matik says it this way: “Radical love is the freedom
to love whom you want, how you want, and as many as you want, so long as
personal integrity, respect, honesty, and consent are at the core of any and
all relationships.”
The point here is that polyamory is not about goal
setting. Do not predetermine the number
of partners or poly configuration you might want and then try to make it
happened. And for god’s sake, ditch the elusive
unicorn fantasy. Bringing a young,
single, hot, bi woman into your existing relationship, providing a convenient
plaything for you and your partner/s is not likely to happen. (Demand far exceeds supply.) Instead, love radically. Allow your heart to lead the way and you will
find the place where you are supposed to be.
II. Women are complex, at times confusing, and always amazingly
awesome! She will likely find fault with
you more frequently than you would like, justly or unjustly, so don’t overthink
the situation. Don’t sweat the small
stuff and accept constructive criticism gracefully. Own your shit and fix yourself as needed. Offer her well-deserved compliments whenever
possible. When you are physically
together, be sure you are emotionally present.
Always act with integrity – always.
Love with reckless abandon and fuck her to smithereens, then love her
even more. She is well worth it or she
wouldn’t be your partner. And if you are
fortunate enough to have more than one partner, treat each fairly and love each
with reckless abandon. Your partners are
precious and you are damn lucky to have them.
III. Relationships are like water - they naturally seek
their own level. Any healthy, happy and
fun relationship with a woman is better than no relationship. Relish the relationship for what it is and
don’t worry about what it is not. You
can very successfully be friends, lovers or partners, so long as you honor her
and act with integrity by allowing growth to happen (or not) naturally. If a relationship fails to meet all of your
needs (and it can’t be expected to do so), find additional complementary
relationships to fill the void. In the
monogamous world, the grass is always greener and a mostly satisfactory
relationship can be trashed in the hope of finding a better one, and this
unseemly cycle often repeats. Never lose
sight of the fact you are privileged to be polyamorous.
IV. Our cultural conditioning must be reevaluated. Our churches, schools and parents pile on us
large mounds of shit that run counter to nature and become the source of
enormous pain to many later in life.* Mature,
thoughtful adults have a responsibility to rise above the stench and reject the
fairy tale ingrained since birth about soulmates, sexual exclusivity and living
happily ever after. Monogamy, as the
sole societal norm for relating romantically and sexually, has a long and
tragic track record of failure.
Nonetheless, monogamy, consciously chosen, as opposed to a cultural
default, is a valid love-style.**
So, love and cherish your monogamous friends, even if their
love-style doesn’t work for you. There’s
a better than even chance yours won’t work for them. Further, there’s a better than even chance they
are really only socially, not sexually, monogamous – it’s called cheating. Cheating is so pervasive that in the majority
of committed dyadic relationships (married or shacked up), one or both partners
cheat. Unfortunately, cheating is not
limited to the socially monogamous couple, and cheating can and does occur in
poly relationships as well. Always honor
all agreements with your partners. Always
be ethical – always.
*Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá makes a
very strong case that humans, like almost the entire animal kingdom, are
non-monogamous by nature. Mother Nature
wants us to fuck many and often; monogamy, both the good and the bad, is
culturally programmed.
**Deborah Anapol, author of Polyamory in the 21st Century,
makes the point that even a monogamous relationship is poly if this is the
direction love is allowed to flow freely, bearing in mind that culturally
imposed monogamy is forced, involuntary and certainly not poly.
V. Your partners are goddesses. All forms of ethical non-monogamy, whether it
be polyamory, swinging, friends-with-benefits and so forth, are always about
the women in our lives. In our society,
they have far more cultural bullshit to rise above than we do; and, because
they have a higher mountain to climb, they are deserving of our awe, reverence
and admiration for allowing us into their romantic and sexual lives. Never take for granted the privilege of
vaginal access, without which, we would be doomed to a life of solitary dick
stroking. Your partners have faults,
just as we do, but at their core, they are goddesses and amazingly awesome.
VI. A successful relationship is founded on trust,
integrity, honesty and consent. If you
fail to build trust, you will likely live in fear, which is the most common
core emotion underlying jealousy. If you
fail to own your shit and instead project it on her, you lack integrity. If you are dishonest, she cannot give
informed consent and uninformed consent is not consent. And always be mindful of fairness; these things
apply equally to all of your partners. Only
an unmitigated jerk would try to preserve one relationship by trashing another. Even if your configuration is hierarchical, the
partner you are with at the moment is always your primary partner. If you are unable to behave accordingly, you
do not deserve her and the relationship must end; but, end it honestly,
honorably and with integrity.
Polyamory is complicated at best. This complexity explodes exponentially as
partners are added to a poly grouping.
In a dyad, there is only one relationship to manage, a triad requires
four (3 dyads, 1 triad), and a quad eleven (6 dyads, 4 triads, 1 quad). Love is infinite, but our time and energy are
finite. The only way to successfully traverse the highs and lows inherent in the
human experience is with trust, integrity, honesty and consent.
VII. Jealousy has the power to turn you into a possessive,
controlling, flaccid prick. She owns her
mind, body and emotions. You have no
access or rights to these things, except as gifted by her. And her gift is by no means permanent or
unconditional. Do not try to change her
to meet your needs or to sooth the pain associated with a fear of abandonment
or any other fear. You are destined to
fail, and in the process, greatly stress your relationship. Own your feelings, learn from them and grow
up. Develop sound jealousy management
skills; by doing so, you will grow in ways you never thought attainable and the
best version of yourself will proudly emerge from jealousy hell. Don’t be a prick.
VIII. When she is jealous, be gentle and
understanding. Don’t be stupid and say
dumb shit: “Why do you feel this way?”
“What are you afraid of?” “There’s
no reason to be jealous of so and so!” Feelings
are always real, only behavior can be controlled. Validate her feelings with empathy and
compassion. Let her know how sorry you
are that she feels so awful. Provide
lots of reassurance. Tell her how much
you love her and that you look forward to having her back in your arms upon
your return. But never reinforce bad
behavior by agreeing to change your plans.
With your kindness, compassion and reassurances, the best version of
your partner will likely emerge unscathed from jealousy hell.
IX. Learn and practice tantric sex. Unlike other branches of human relating
falling under the ethical non-monogamy umbrella, polyamory does not emphasize
sex; in fact, a relationship does not have to be sexual at all to be poly. Having said this, there are poly
configurations and circumstances that may require you to fuck often. This can be true if your partners lack other
partners or their partners are long distant, or if your configuration consists
of more hetero women than men, or for any number of other reasons. While this may sound exciting to a mono man
accustomed to an average frequency at home, this can become exhausting to a
poly man in high demand. The solution is
tantric, employing techniques such as partner focus, ejaculatory control and redefining
of orgasm. These things are beyond the
scope of this writing, but the reading of tantric works and engaging a tantric
teacher can go a long way in maintaining an appropriate state of emotional and
physical readiness. I highly recommend a
tantric approach to sexual fulfillment under any circumstances, but it is
especially important if stamina is critical to the wellbeing of your
relationships.
X. Women are amazingly awesome! Women want, hope and need, just as we
do. In this regard, we are all one. Women lust, love, caress, fuck, nurture and
wish for goodness, grace and good health for themselves and for those they
love. They are incredibly insightful and
serve as our life mirrors, helping us grow and be better people. They do view the world through a slightly
different lens, but this is not a bad thing.
This challenges us to learn, grow and better understand those we
love. As sexual polar opposites, energy
flows freely and is exchanged between us with joyful abundance. And for those fortunate enough to be polyamorous,
there is always the potential to realize all of the sex and loving energy we
could possibly want or need.
