Pedestrian Polyamory

Shira B. Katz is a personable young woman and a very polished podcaster.  She and her husband, Gavin Katz, record a podcast series called pedestrian polyamory, which can be found on iTunes.

Shira recorded two shows during the poly con, one on Saturday night and the other on Sunday morning.  On the Saturday evening podcast, Shira interviewed several of the five members of one of the two poly families featured on Lisa Ling's Our America series.  The program aired on the OWN network several weeks ago and represented poly life objectively, one of the few programs to do so.  I watched Lisa Ling's program, the podcast and sat in several workshops with members of this sizable and very interesting poly family.

The final segment of the podcast featured a comedic performance by CJ Wells, a kick-ass, crazy talented funny man.  The audience was in stitches during his entire performance.  I can't begin to describe the hilarity of his show; you will just have take a listen for yourself.

On Sunday morning, Shira recorded an excellent show on the topic of  impermanence.  While not presented as such, impermanence is a Buddhist philosophy of non-attachment.  With an understanding that nothing in this world is permanent, we can live in the now without getting distracted by the future.  We can better appreciate what we have now without clinging to someone or something out of fear of abandonment or loss.  We can learn to let go.

The philosophy of impermanence is very pertinent as it applies to polyamory relationships, which can be fragile due to the complex dynamics of multiple relationships.  It reminds us to enjoy our relationships to the fullest in the now, absent undo worry about fear of loss or abandonment.  And if the time comes to let go, we are better prepared emotionally to do so.        

The following quote is known as the Broken Teacup: The Buddha purportedly told a student, "Every morning I drink from my favorite teacup. I hold it in my hands and feel the warmth of the cup from the hot liquid it contains. I breathe in the aroma of my tea and enjoy my mornings in this way. But in my mind the teacup is already broken." 

I had the good fortune of sharing a few moments alone with Shira at the hotel bar Saturday evening.  Not surprisingly, I found her to be a very friendly and charming woman.  This comes through on her podcasts, so listen to as many as you can.  Unfortunately, the con podcasts have not been uploaded as of this date, but they will be so keep an eye out for them. 

 

This concludes my five post series sharing a little information about Atlanta PolyCon 2013.  I hope you have enjoyed reading, and perhaps, learning a little more about polyamory.  As always, call, text or write if you have questions or desire more information.

Purposeful Polyamory

Jessica, a young woman around thirty, started a blog two years ago, calling it Polyamory on Purpose.  The blog addresses many life problems encountered by poly families, including such matters as living arrangements, safer sex, pregnancy, raising children and legal matters.  She is working on a book series covering each of these issues in depth; the first book release, addressing pregnancy issues, was celebrated during the conference.

I attended her workshop on Purposeful Polyamory Friday afternoon.  It was immediately obvious that she was distraught and unable to maintain the flow of her presentation.  People began walking out of the room.  They should not have.

Jessica abandoned her presentation and asked the remaining attendees for permission to tell a story.  The few of us remaining gave her a resounding show of support with an affirmative response.  She began by saying that her two relationships lacked purpose and within a brief time, first one partner, then the other left her.  She blamed herself for the lack of purpose, and while not defined, I took purpose to mean direction and focus.  Instead, her relationships drifted like leaves in the wind, and absent purpose, they were lost. 

As if this was not bad enough, her dumbass parents sued for custody of her three children, which was awarded to them by a dumbass judge.  There is still hope as she has another custody hearing next month, hopefully in front of a judge who understands his or her job absent moralistic judgment and infringement.  I pray her children are returned to her.

Jessica fought through her emotional anguish and completed her story.  This required courage, as her instinct could easily have been to run out of the room.  The story was gut-wrenching to tell and gut-wrenching to hear.  Yet, her story is important and deserves telling.  It speaks to an intolerant society where only a cultural normative family (as in a family consisting of one man, one woman and 2.5 children) is relevant.  Families outside of this cultural norm are at risk of losing jobs and even custody of their children.  Sadly, Jessica is only one example of this tragedy.

Upon returning home, I sent an email to Jessica, thanking her for her courage and inspiration.  Nothing drives home a point like a real life example, and her story was a reminder to always work hard on relationships and to take nothing for granted.  Purposeful couple-hood is hard enough; purposeful polyamory is much harder. 

Polyamory and Skeptics

I have been observing and studying polyamory for about two years now.  Over this period, I have noticed that poly folks often come in one of two flavors: mystic or skeptic.  I am a Reiki master, practice sacred sexuality and attend pagan festivals, so you can guess my flavor.  For 15 years, I have studied and/or practiced differing aspects of nonphysical energy.  I'm certainly not an expert, but I do know a little about the mystic flavor.

Certainly not all, but some mystics are a throwback to the sixties and can accurately be called hippies, both in dress and attitude.  Religiously, mystics practice a broad range of paganism or attend the Unitarian Universalist Church, a denomination strongly committed to social justice.  Politically, many identify with the Green Party, consistent with their earth-centered religions.  On the other hand, it seems skeptics are atheists and often libertarian.  (I don't mean to imply an overly strict dichotomy.   As with most matters, there is a continuum of belief in the poly community.)

While somewhat knowledgeable about mysticism, I have to plead much ignorance about skepticism and atheism.  The study of atheism has been on my radar for some months, but I have yet to get around to it.  For this reason,  I was excited to find a workshop about skepticism on the Atlanta Poly Weekend 2013 schedule.  It was called Polyamory and Skeptics and proved to be the most interesting workshop I attended during the conference.

I have noticed that the poly skeptics who cross my path seem to be highly intelligent.  The workshop panelists did not disappoint in this regard.  All three were knowledgeable and very committed to skepticism, which they use as a philosophical approach to various issues and beliefs.  While the workshop centered on religious skepticism, one panelists gave an example unrelated to religion of how she used skepticism to solve a life problem.  I don't remember her circumstances, but I'm sure many examples unrelated to religion can be found.  For example, a scientist undoubtedly employs skepticism in the course of scientific research.  

Skepticism, as I understand it, is a process of seeking truth by using rational thinking and logic in search of evidence supporting whatever it is that is being tested.  If solid evidence is found, it is true; if not, it is untrue.  While often synonymous in common usage, skepticism and atheism are not the same.  Rather than blanket non-acceptance of the existence of God (or gods), skeptics apply reason and logic in the search for evidence that God exists.  In the absence of such evidence, skeptics become atheists.

I did learn some interesting nuances about atheism.  Theism is the belief in the existence of God; atheism is the absence of such belief.  Thus, those who have never been exposed to theism, such as newborns, are sometimes considered atheists.  I had never before given thought to the possibility of a newborn being an atheist. 

The difference between atheism and agnosticism was explained as the difference between belief and knowledge.  Agnosticism is the view that whether or not God exists is unknown, and probably, unknowable.  Stated another way, the knowledge needed to justify either theistic or atheistic belief is nonexistent.  Further, there are blended bodies of belief such as agnostic theism and agnostic atheism.  In other words, in the absence of knowledge, it is still possible to either believe or disbelieve in God's existence.

Sometime in the future, I will share my thoughts about atheism as a movement.  This was not presented at the workshop, but I have overheard atheist activists discuss the atheist movement at poly meetups.  But first, I have to educate myself on this topic.      

PolyCon Aloneness

Have you ever been in a crowded room and felt lonely?  

Last year, Connie and I attended Atlanta Poly Weekend 2012 together.  Our girls were away on a girl scout trip, enabling us to fit in neatly with the other partnered folks in attendance, whether configured as dyads, triads or quads.  This year was different.  Connie remained home to be with our daughters and help our older daughter prepare for her high school prom on Saturday evening.  Thus, I attended APW 2013 alone (for awhile).  

Although the divide between polyamory and swinging can be narrow in practice, the cultural gap is wide in a number of ways.  For instance, I would not consider attending a swinging conference as a single man, unless invited by a couple.  Yes, some couples desire a single guy to join in on their fun; however, too many women view single guys as creepy and too many men feel threaten by them in a swinging context.  Polyamory is much different in that nobody gives a shit about partner-hood (with or without or number of), love-styles, family configurations and so forth.  Thus, I experienced nothing short of open arm welcoming at APW 2013.  

This level of tolerance and welcoming is also extended to folks in other alternative lifestyles, such the LGBTQ and BDSM communities.  You will never find more tolerance anywhere than that which can be found at a poly con.  Nobody gives a shit and this is a good thing.  

I mentioned I was only alone at the con for awhile.  After spending a long day observing an abundance of poly love on Friday, hormones kicked in causing me to suffer from an acute case of hornyitis.  My condition worsened overnight, and by morning, I was in serious need of relief. Fortunately, a friend knocked on my hotel room door early Saturday morning.  Highly skilled in hornyitis therapy, her treatment was a godsend and my condition soon improved dramatically.

Feeling very well, I was able to spend an enjoyable day Saturday participating in the con events with my friend.  Later that evening, I bid her farewell at a marginally reasonable hour.  On Sunday, there was no time to grieve over my state of aloneness.  That was okay.  PolyCon aloneness really is okay.  Nonetheless, a mid-con therapeutic visit never hurts.  (Thank you ma'am; you know who you are.)

Atlanta Poly Weekend 2013

During St. Patrick's Day weekend, while many folks were attending outdoor events and drinking green beer, I was indoors for three days at a conference.  To add insult to injury, this occurred during the most beautiful weather of the year in Atlanta, Georgia.  That's the bad news; the good news was the conference itself.  Atlanta Polyamory, Inc. (API) sponsored its third annual poly con, aptly named Atlanta Poly Weekend 2013, and it was outstanding.  I feel fortunate to have attended the past two poly cons and both easily met and exceeded all of my expectations.

During 2013, I attended 14 workshops, the keynote address, a presenter's panel, two podcasts, a comedy show, the closing keynote and an API membership meeting.  I missed three of the four workshops running concurrently during each session period, and for various reasons, the talent show, the Saturday night dance lessons and dance, and the con wrap-up session.  With these few exceptions, I was a full participant and regret being unable to attend some of the concurrent workshops.  

Looking back, all of the workshops were good and several were genuinely outstanding.  I will write about these in future posts.  For now, I will briefly discuss the API membership meeting, which was open to all conference attendees.  It was announced during the meeting that the board of directors voted to dissolve API, a 501c-7 non-profit corporation.  A new non-profit corporation will be formed as a 501c-3; as I am not a corporate attorney, no attempt will be made to explain the differences.  I do know that API outgrew its charter, which limits the amount of funds that can be accepted by non-members.  This has potentially serious tax consequences and puts the officers and directors at financial risk.  Simply put, something had to be done.  

The technicalities of the corporate change probably had little meaning for the majority of folks in attendance.  However, when it was announced that the conference would continue on into the future with very little noticeable change, the audience response was a resounding round of applause.  There was no doubting the importance of the conference in the minds, hearts (and probably genitals) of those present.   

The name of the new corporation will be Relationship Equality Foundation (REF), with a broader geographical and inclusive scope and purpose.  REF will focus on the southeast and will continue to educate and advocate, but going forward, for all relationship and family structures.  I am excited about the change.  I believe it is needed, but I also feel a certain sadness for the organizers, directors and officers, who for legal reasons, cannot assume the same positions with the new corporation.  I also confess to some concern about a possible leadership void.  Billy Holder, Chairman, more than anyone, has poured his heart, soul, blood and tears into API.  He is a natural leader, and his leadership will be greatly missed.  (Although, I suspect he will find ways to add his talent to the new venture.  I certainly hope so.)         

As previously stated, there is much more to write about and I promise to do so.

Discovering My Poly Nature

It was 1967, sometime during the advent of winter. I stood nearly alone on the airport observation deck, watching and waiting. The weather was cold and blustery, causing me to shiver badly. After a time, I saw the plane as it sped down the runway and ascended into the night air, gone from view, and sadly, gone forever.

A haunting emptiness consumed me and filled my eyes with tears, as I came to grips with the reality of how much I would miss her. She was on her way to another city to begin a new life with her soon to be husband. I met him once and knew he was a good guy. I was very happy for her and confident she was marrying the right man. And I too would soon begin a new life with my future wife. But still, I grieved for what was, knowing it could never be again.

We first met in college near the end of our junior year. She was newly engaged to be married and I would become engaged shortly after graduation in August. We dated platonically during our senior year, as we each had lovers elsewhere. We would exchange goodnight pecks on the cheek, but otherwise, conscientiously avoided all other physical contact. There were some close calls when we started to kiss more deeply, but each time, we broke it off before it went further. Our most intimate times together involved conversational intercourse, fueling the close relationship that evolved over time.

On the day she left, we planned to go to a hotel restaurant near the airport for lunch, making the drive to catch her afternoon flight short in case we ran late. After lunch, she surprised me with the news that she changed her ticket to a night flight. She surprised me even more by telling me that she checked into a hotel room for the afternoon, so we would have a comfortable place to relax and converse. Well, we did some of that, but before long, deep kisses replaced a year of frustratingly lame pecks on the cheek. Our relationship was consummated, fully and passionately, and with meaningful love.  

We agreed that our goodbye gift to each other was the best possible ending and that we should separate, leaving our love making as our final memory. We came to the painful recognition that any attempt to extend our relationship would only serve to dilute the memory, and no doubt, bring discomfort to our future spouses. Thus, going forward, we made no attempt to transcend the span of distance with phone calls or letters. And, sadly, as it turned out, we never spoke or saw each other again.

Our college days, even our love making, are not my most vivid memories of her. More lasting are my emotions has I stood in the cold, feeling miserable and watching as she disappeared from my life. I remember describing my feelings in Airport Lights, naming the poem after the large matrix of landing lights observed from the observation deck that night. Putting my thoughts on paper and exposing raw emotions that had been suppressed, took on importance that was not fully understood until years later. The poem, while undoubtedly not great, revealed much about the dawn of me as it relates to love, sex and marriage. It also revealed my ignorance about what we now call polyamory.

The core elements of this story are factual: college, the young woman, her engagement, my engagement, our friendship, our evolving relationship, suppressed desire, our erotic farewell and the writing of Airport Lights. However, the events I describe occurred over forty-five years ago, so much has been forgotten. Then too, literary license was necessary in order to weave the elements together in a brief, cohesive story. But, of this I am certain: for the second time in my young life, I was deeply in love, and for the first time, I was deeply in love with two women simultaneously - one who left and one with whom I would spend the next twenty-four years. And to this day, I still love them both.

As a footnote, Airport Lights, along with all of my other early writings, was lost with the loss of my first marriage. This is undoubtedly a good thing on both counts.

Utopia

I heard it said that it is the place, not the event, and now I understand. I understand that it is the place that matters most; that the purpose of the event is merely to bring the people to the place. It is a place beyond tolerance, beyond acceptance, beyond even welcoming; it is a place that absolutely revels in its diversity. There, family structure matters not, nor gender, nor orientation, nor race. Singles, dyads, triads, more-ads, men, women, transsexuals, transvestites, straights, queers, bisexuals, blacks, browns and whites are all warmly embraced and loved; each free to be as he or she wants and needs to be. The place is All World Acres, but most often simply referred to as the Sanctuary.

The event was Utopia, held October 18-21 in the Tampa Bay area, and I was in attendance.  It is one of three adult-only pagan festivals held annually at the Sanctuary. (Body Magick is held in the spring, where the main ritual is the Wheel of Life, as described on a post here. The other adult festival held at the end of November is the Kinkster, devoted to BDSM activities.) At these events, the mundane world is left behind and free expression prevails. Clothing is unimportant and optional, as every imaginable variety of dress and undress can be found. Sarongs are very popular among the women, some topless, some fully covered. Even some of the men can be found wearing them.

During Utopia, the days on Friday and Saturday were filled with workshops, many energy related. We worked our bodies, doing such things as expressive dance and sensual yoga (couples yoga). And we worked our minds with discussion groups covering a wide variety of topics, such as polyamory and self-identification. During the latter discussion, we were each asked to define our labels for the group. I identified as the following: husband, father, polyamorist, male, heterosexual, pagan, semi-practicing Catholic, dominate, nudist, writer and motorcyclist.

Utopia in many ways seemed similar to Body Magick, but more festive and less solemn. Friday evening began with a hilarious drag queen performance, so funny the audience was figuratively, and in a few cases, literally rolling on the ground. Saturday afternoon brought forth an almost equally funny dance contest, with the ladies seducing their men with suggestive dancing. A couple calling themselves John and Jane Doe easily won, and as you might guess, both John and Jane were men. Their performance, while incredibly outlandish, was priceless.

The most notable difference between the two festivals became apparent during the main ritual on Saturday evening. Gone was the solemnity of the Wheel of Life, replaced with a very humorous, yet serious, rite. The people formed a circle around the fire and the priestesses read from prepared text. In time, we each were given an opportunity to speak briefly about specific things. Then, food and drink having symbolic significance were passed to each of us. At the conclusion, the people were obviously uplifted and hugs abounded. It was spiritual, but as mentioned, in a much different way than the Wheel of Life.

Following the ritual, the people danced to wild music well into early morning. This dancing was the type that can be found at any night club attracting young adults, not the prayerful dance around the alter of fire. The music lyrics were often highly suggestive and the dancing became more seductive as the evening wore on. It became clear that the dancers were warming up for the inevitable pleasure that would come later; and sure enough, the sounds of love making could be heard emanating from tents throughout the night.

In keeping with tradition, the festival closed with the village counsel meeting on Sunday morning.  A talking stick was passed among the attendees and we were each given an opportunity to speak.  I have come to appreciate and enjoy these sessions very much.  People expressed their feelings and perspectives, revealing a wide spectrum of emotions.  There was much laughter, and at times, tears of joy and release.  A common theme was the vast appreciation for the freedom to be who and what we each are, for the unconditional acceptance found at the Sanctuary and for the opportunity to bond with like-minded folks.  I will never fully understand what it is like to be homosexual or transgendered or genderqueer or pansexual or otherwise outside of the gender/orientation norm.  But I have witnessed firsthand what it means to these folks to be accepted and not judged.   

In my Wheel of Life post, I mentioned the lovers near where I sat, a man with black tiger stripes and a beautiful woman. During Utopia, I met and spent some time with this woman, and she is indeed beautiful. Upon first meeting, I related to her how I was unable to take my eyes off of her as she and her partner made passionate love. I told her how much I felt the intensity of their energy and how much at that moment I wanted to trade places with her lover. Amused by my flirtation, she laughed a little laugh and then went on to tell me how sad she was at their recent break-up. I too was genuinely sad for her loss and for the emotional pain she continues to endure. However, because of her external and internal beauty, I have no doubt she will soon find a new partner or new partners. Such is the poly way.

Upon reflection as I conclude this post, the wistful part of me wishes the leaders, priests, rabbis and ministers of conservative mainstream religions would be required to regularly attend pagan festivals to gain an understanding of the true meaning of tolerance. Maybe then, they would soften their positions and stop railing against such matters as homosexuality and women's reproductive rights. Maybe, they would begin to back off of their firmly entrenched, absolute, dogmatic views and begin preaching in a more balanced and accurate way regarding these important issues. But, of course, the realistic part of me knows better.

I now have two festivals under my belt at the Sanctuary, the religious home of the Temple of Divine Ecstasy. As I look back on the books I've read, the things I've written, the places I've gone and my many new experiences since retirement, it is tempting to wish I had done these things earlier in life. But earlier in life, I was not the me of today. I have learned and grown from my recent adventures, and hopefully, I am a better person as a result. If so, the festivals have played a positive role and I hope to attend many more.

Namaste

Reiki Master

I worked in the mortgage industry for 30 years and then sold real estate during the last 13 years of my career. After retiring on January 1, 2011, I embarked upon the study of polyamory, paganism and energy, topics that led to what at first was mere curiosity about Reiki. Over time, curiosity evolved into a serious interest in practicing the art (or science) of Reiki.  

Years prior, I was first exposed to concepts surrounding nonphysical energy through the study of tantra. I learned about such things as the energy centers and pathways, but over the years remained a skeptic. For a long time, I believed that the seven major energy centers (chakras) were little more than graphic representations used to explain the very real feelings and emotions experienced during tantric exercises.  Today, I know better and credit the process of becoming a Reiki master for a far more advanced understanding of energy in general, and more importantly, of the energy self.

Nonetheless, I have a keen understanding that realities exist beyond human perception. For me, a total understanding of the workings of Reiki falls into this category. Every day, I enjoy the wonders of the internet, while lacking a comprehensive grasp of its workings. Sometimes, it is enough to know that something just works.

On September 9, 2012, I achieved my third degree, or master level, Reiki certification. I was attuned by my teacher, Richard C. Fiallo, Reiki Master, from Healing Today.

A Fertility Blessing for My Love and Her Husband

Divine Source, of this perfect and fully connected Universe, bless My Love and Her Husband as they join in physical union this evening; bless them always and in all ways while they continue down a path to bring new life into the Universe.  They have taken steps to improve fertility odds, and this is good, but grant them freedom from worry and stress, for this is defeating.  Grant them the wisdom to understand that the primary purpose of physical love is neither procreation nor pleasure, but rather, to connect with the Divine, however perceived, in sacred sexuality.  Only thus, it will be done as You will it.  They share a great love for each other; let this and the connection with You be their focus.

If sperm and egg connect, bring them great Joy; if not, bring them peace and continued love for each other and for You.

Amen

The Wheel of Life

Alone, I recently attended a four day pagan festival presented by the Temple of Devine Ecstasy.  The main ritual took place on Saturday night and is called, very appropriately, The Wheel of Life.  One of the workshops was about Polyamory, and when asked how many of us identify as poly, all but a small handful of attendees raised their hands.  And for four days, I was surrounded by an abundance of boundless love.  To tell the story of the entire festival would require a book, so I decided to share with you my recounting of the main ritual.

It rained off and on all day long.  It was early Saturday evening when the rain came once more and several in the throng, including me, were getting worried.  The main ritual would begin this night at nine o'clock sharp, rain or shine, but no one wanted rain to dampen this sacred sexuality event.  The high priestess was unconcerned and told us not to worry.  She said, "It will not rain.  It never rains during the main ritual."

The ritual was still a couple of hours away, but the atmosphere surrounding me changed.  I could feel the energy and the excitement among the people.  The fire tenders were busy chopping wood; the naked bodies of lovers chosen to participate were being painted; colorful, ritualistic costumes were beginning to appear; and we were told to position our chairs or blankets in the ritual area early, because this sort of distraction would not be allowed during the ritual.    

About thirty minutes before the ritual began, the priest and priestesses spoke to us.  I learned that the ritual is divided into two parts.  During the first part, the most sacred, no talking would be allowed.  We would enter the ritual area as a community in single file, circle the fire one complete time and during the second trip around the fire,  we would fall out and stop in front of our chair or blanket.  We would remain standing until everyone found their rightful place.  No one would be allowed to enter or leave the ritual area during this part of the ceremony.  We were cautioned to make a bathroom stop beforehand. 

Having resided in the campground, reverently called the sanctuary, for a couple of days prior, I was familiar with the main ritual area.  Four towers delineated the ritual grounds in quarters.  Each tower was painted a symbolic color and represented the directions of north, south, east and west and one of the elements of earth, fire, air and water.  A fifth, non-material element, spirit, would also be represented in the ritual.  The fire, of course, was the centerpiece.  It was carefully measured so as to be big enough to provide light and warmth, but small enough to avoid over-heating the lovers and dancers.    

Shortly before nine o'clock, the rain stopped right on cue as predicted.  As we entered the sacred grounds to the rhythmic beat of the drums, I was reminded of the Catholic Eucharist and how the community comes forth to the front of the alter to receive Holy Communion.  The Mass contains many sacred components, but the Eucharist is always the most spiritual.  Entering the ritual area, I felt as if I was approaching the alter. 

The ritual seemed to borrow heavily from Native American traditions.  Three circles around the fire were formed.  The community and the drummers took their positions in the outer circle; the middle circle was for the dancers and the inner circle for the five sets of lovers, four dyads and one triad, each representing one of the elements of earth, fire, air, water and spirit.  When all of the entrance movement wound down, it suddenly became almost eerily quiet.  Then, one-by-one, by their respective quarter, the lovers were called forth to their blankets in the inner circle.       

The community was seated and the dancers, women in colorful costumes, some bare-breasted and some not, and one man in a loin cloth danced clock-wise around the fire.  Dancers after a time will zone-out; it is called trancing.  They are conscious enough not to bump into each other or fall in the fire, but they become otherwise unaware of their surroundings.  The beat varied, at times slow, then faster, then slow again; the dancers stayed in perfect rhythm.  They connect with the Divine dancing; it is how they pray.

One of the drummers befriended me when I first arrived on Thursday; his tent was pitched directly across from mine on the other side of the road.  He explained a little about drumming, the ritualistic role of the drummers and the pride taken in their durability and stamina.  He proudly showed me his drum, which had blood splatters from cuts on his hands caused by lengthy drumming.  The drummers will drum nightly for those who wish to dance around the fire, but during the main ritual, they have a last dancer standing mentality.  They understand the sacredness of the ritual and the importance of their role.  If needed, they will drum all night.       

Some of the lovers' body paintings included symbols relevant to the direction or element of each.  Other paintings were more extreme.  One man's entire upper torso was painted orange and he had black tiger strips closely spaced up and down his back.  The reflection of light from the fire and two lanterns on either side of the blanket formed a striking image, as he coupled with a beautiful woman.  I kept a close eye on them and on the triadic partners, as these two sets of lovers were positioned in closest proximity to me.  Never before have I witnessed triadic lovers love so tenderly together.  The configuration was male-female-male and the woman was soon in a highly blissful state.  Soon, all of the lovers were in the throes of passion.  They were not fucking, or just fucking; what I observed was nothing less than heartfelt lovemaking. 

The drums beat, the dancers danced and the lovers loved.  The sounds of pleasure pierced the air.  The energy generated spread to the entire community and it was uplifting, spiritual and beautiful.  It was one of the most moving experiences of my life.  We were told beforehand that the ritual is all about community; that we were all participants; and it absolutely felt that way to me.  I have entered beautiful cathedrals, prayed with the congregation as a community and experienced a powerful spiritual uplifting.  Many would laugh at the comparison of a pagan ritual with the Catholic Mass; yet, I saw the similarities, or more accurately, I felt the similarities within me.   

In time, the drumming stopped and the drummers cheered.  The community joined in, cheering and clapping wildly.  After a short time, the drumming resumed, signally the transition from the first to the second part of the ritual.  The first part was solemn and religious, while the second was more celebratory and went on much longer.  The dancers were still dancing and the lovers were still loving, but were now joined in greater number by the community.  The drum beat seemed quicker and more jubilant; loving partners in the outer ring made love on their blankets; people were free to come and go, and they did so.  The ritual continued for hours.

Around midnight, feeling tired, I retired to my tent.  Lying very still, I slowed and deepened my breath, ran my hands up and down my body, and was able to trance out and experience moksha (that is, to touch the Divine).  The pleasure was nice, but afterwards, a melancholy mood came over me.  I thought of Connie and the other women who touch my life.  I missed them dearly.  I attended many workshops and rituals involving intimacy in various forms with a partner.  Most of these exercises involved touch, energy exchange or both.  And throughout, I was sans partner.  This ultimately took a toll on my psyche.  I want to return next year, but will not do so without a woman in my bed.     

I was still awake around one o'clock in the morning when the drumming stopped.  Within minutes, a torrential Florida downpour cut loose and it rained all night.  Fortunately, it was the last night of the festival because my tent flooded.  But the bigger issue in my mind was the timing of when the rain began and ended.  I laid awake trying to figure that one out.  The window of dry weather lasted four hours, almost the exact same length of the ritual.  The high priestess never had a doubt.  Did the monotheistic God that Jews, Christians and Muslims worship intervene?  Or was it a polytheistic happening, gods or goddesses who may have lived thousands of years ago, now deified with their own mythos?  Or was it entirely coincidental?  The answer, of course, varies depending on your belief system.

I discovered more than spiritual connectivity between paganism and Christianity.  One of the presenters worships Inanna, a Sumerian goddess who lived somewhere around 5000 BC.  The presenter spoke eloquently about her relationship with Inanna  and also about Inanna's death.  Inanna traveled to the underworld where she was perceived as a threat; she was executed, buried, and in three days, rose again.  Sound familiar?  Was the Christian story of Easter borrowed from the Inanna myth?  Or did it come from one of the many other resurrection stories passed down through the ages?  Or is the biblical account of Easter literally true?  Again, it all depends on your belief system.

Admittedly, I know almost nothing about paganism now, but over time, I will study it and learn; my appetite has been wetted.  I also know that I am very spiritual and unconcerned with religious doctrine.  And my participation in the Wheel of Life was probably the most spiritual experience of my life.  I will never forget it.

I will close by mentioning one more ritual I participated in as part of the community.  A woman was initiated into a higher church ranking in a beautiful ritual on Friday evening.  Her previous position was that of an Acolyte and on that night, she became a Priestess.  (I inquired about the next step in the church hierarchy and was told it would take her at least ten years to become a High Priestess.)  As a way of honoring her and continuing her initiation process, the new priestess was chosen to be one of the lovers in the main ritual, which is considered a very high honor.     

During the village council meeting on Sunday (similar to a conference wrap-up session in a more mundane setting), a talking stick (resembling an Indian rattle) was passed among the community and everyone was given the opportunity to speak.  Many moving comments about the community coming together and bonding closely were spoken; some also referred to the festival as a life-changing experience.  One woman and her partner in particular moved the crowd. 

They were given the honor of being one of the five sets of lovers in the main ritual, but were not originally chosen.  She spoke of problems in their relationship and the healing effect of the Wheel of Life.  After a time, she broke down, unable to continue speaking.  He stepped in for her and finished the story.  He told of how the new priestess found out about their difficulties and unselfishly, without hesitation, offered them her place in the inner circle.  They protested and she responded, "I am now a priestess.  It is my duty to serve."

Such was the love that surrounded me for four days.

           

Poly Overview & Commentary

Introduction

On the first of January of this year, I retired from the real estate business.  This represents a significant life change, but oddly enough, it took me several months to figure out how to be retired.  Oh, I stayed busy doing routine stuff, but I was not creating, producing, contributing to society or otherwise making myself useful.  I found this troubling. 

Thirteen years ago, I made another significant life change by leaving the corporate world.  For the first time, I was able to escape the pressures of corporate life and manage my own time, while still making a few bucks selling real estate.  Self-employment turned out to be a bad financial endeavor, but a wonderfully enriching life change.  A couple of months ago, it finally dawned on me that I now have an even greater opportunity for self-enrichment, creativity and contribution.

I am interested in all things sexual.  As such, soon after leaving the corporate world, I embarked upon the study of tantra.  This discipline can of course be very esoteric, and after a time, I lost interest in pursuing it further.  But happily, it awakened my spirituality and taught me much about love and life.  It also became the genesis of my sensual touch practice. 

After a time, I became interested in the swing lifestyle.  I began reading about it and eventually convinced my wife, Connie, to accompany me to the Trapeze Club, a well known Atlanta swing club.  This marked the beginning of our open marriage.  Like many couples before us, this path has been both rewarding and at times very challenging.  However, more than anything I have ever done before or since, non-monogamy has forced me to grow in ways I never thought possible.  It is certainly not for the faint of heart, but for those couples who succeed, the rewards can be great. 

Somewhere along the way, I began writing erotic short stories, and a few years ago, self-published a book of them.  Now that I am retired, one of my goals is to expand the book and publish a second edition.  I’m not sure how enlightening this aspect of sexual pursuit has been, but it has certainly been fun! 

I acquired an interest in BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) several years ago.  To many, this discipline is viewed as weird and bizarre, practiced only by weird and bizarre people.  Even practitioners routinely refer to themselves as kinky.  But there is more to it than meets the eye.  BDSM involves what can be a complex power exchange, and especially for the submissive player, BDSM play can result in an emotionally powerful and profoundly erotic experience.  As a dominate player, I have witnessed this often and I always take pride in the knowledge that I have played a role in helping another achieve so much pleasure. 

In summary, my path of learning about human sexuality has thus far taken me into the realms of tantra, sensual touch, swinging, erotic short story authorship and BDSM.  Around the first of June, I finally figured out how to be retired: I started reading.  I had previously decided that my next course of study would be polyamory and I am now reading everything I can get my hands on about this subject.  Since I have more time than most of my readers, it is my mission to condense what I have learned so far into something that can be consumed in a reasonably short period of time without omitting the meat and potatoes.  The more I have read, the more knowledge I have gleaned, the more I have come to realize that this will not be an easy task. – Stan Powers 


Polyamory Defined

 

Derived from the Greek word poly (many) and the Latin word amor (love), polyamory is a new word, believed to have been coined in the late nineteen eighties. It can be translated to mean “many loves”.  While the word is new, the practice is not; people have been practicing polyamory in one form or another since the beginning of human history.

In my reading, I have come across many definitions of polyamory that share the same meaning with only minor variations in wording.  There are always two components: multiple, simultaneous romantic relationships and consensual agreement.  Consensual agreement is probably the more important defining characteristic, since romantic loving can be, and often is, broadly interpreted.  Consensual agreement demands that everyone involved knows about and consents to your relationship.  A typical definition goes something like this: a romantic relationship that involves more than two people with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Triston Taormino in her book Opening Up puts it a little differently: “I would define polyamory as the desire for or the practice of maintaining multiple significant, intimate relationships simultaneously.”* Ms. Taormino’s use of the word intimate raises some interesting questions: By intimate, does she mean sexual? And can a strictly sexual relationship be polyamorous? She explains, "To distinguish polyamory from swinging and partnered non-monogamy, poly relationships are usually characterized as sexual and loving, a shorthand way of saying that polyamory involves not just sex, but emotional relationships.”*

Regarding the ethical component of polyamory, Franklin Veaux on his web site, xeromag.com, says, "The thing that defines a polyamorous relationship is that everyone involved knows about, and agrees to, everyone else's involvement.

“If you are married, and you have a girlfriend that your wife doesn't know about, or that your wife suspects but isn't sure about, or that your wife knows about but isn't happy with, you're not poly, you're cheating. Similarly, if you're banging the milkman while your husband is out of town, you're not poly, you're cheating.

“Polyamory is defined by informed consent of all the participants. Without it, it ain't poly. If you can't invite your lover over to Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of your family because you don't want anyone to know what you're doing, it probably ain't poly."**

All of the authors differentiated, in one way or another, polyamory from swinging and other forms of casual sex.  Each agreed the distinction between casual sexual relationships and polyamory is a continuum, not a dichotomy.  Swing partners can develop close relationships and poly-folk can form hierarchical relationships.

Hierarchical terms, such as primary, secondary and tertiary, are sometimes used by poly folks and can be useful in defining relationships in terms of the commitment and the time and energy devoted to the relationship.  My point being, if a poly person considers a relationship tertiary, it is likely to be at least somewhat casual.  Having said this, it is worth noting that many poly folks disdain the use of hierarchies because polyamory is very equalitarian.  I will discuss more about this later. 

Another question comes to mind: Can a romantic, non-sexual relationship be polyamorous? All of the authors who address this question agree that a poly relationship, while likely to be sexual, need not be.  There is nothing that requires people who are even deeply in love to be sexual and some are not.  This is true either inside or outside of a poly relationship.  In fact, a poly person need not be in a poly relationship at all.  Polyamory has more to do with the desire and acceptance of polyamory than the actual practice of polyamory. 

Another characteristic that distinguishes polyamory from swinging has to do with the relationship structure.  Swinging typically involves a couple, often with boundaries negotiated for the express purpose of protecting the couple relationship and preventing romantic involvements with others.  Polyamory, by definition, is about romantic involvement in a myriad array of relationship structures. 

*Tristan Taormino. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (p. 71). Kindle Edition.
**Franklin Veaux, Polyamory?, http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html 


Poly Configurations

The most common poly configuration is the pair (dyad in poly-speak), or more accurately, plural pairs.  Connie and I form a dyad.  If I enter into a relationship with Sue, I am paired with Connie and also with Sue.  If Connie and Sue are not romantically involved with each other, our plural pair configuration is called a v-triad or “vee”, graphically depicted as the letter “v”, with me at the bottom of the letter.

If Connie develops a romance with Bill, and Bill and I are not romantically involved, a second v-triad is formed by Bill, Connie, and me, with Connie the connecting point at the bottom of the “v”.  Taking it one step further, a “w” is a five-some with two connected “v’s”.  It goes like this: Bill and Connie, Connie and Stan, Stan and Sue, and Sue and Paul.

If I enter into a third romantic relationship, say with Patty, a “y” configuration is formed by way of my relationships with Connie, Sue and Patty.  If each of my three lovers form “y’s” with two other lovers and their lovers and their lovers’ lovers form more “y’s”, and so on, a large tribe, web or network can evolve, perhaps covering a broad geographical area.  The members not romantically involved with each other may or may not know one another, although some tribes of this type are known to hold periodic family reunions.

The second form of a three-some is referred to as a triad, loving triad or triangle.  This involves three people, all of whom have love, and probably sexual, relationships with each other.  A triad can consist of any combination of male and female, all male or all female configurations.  It is worth noting that gay folks, while often polyamorous, do not identify as poly.  They have enough issues to deal with just being gay.  Also, most polyamorists are not as negative about male-male bisexuality as the swing community.  This is due in part to a live-and-let-live attitude and to a relatively high percentage of bisexuals in the poly community. 

Quads, like triads, are a common configuration, and like triads, all of the members may or may not be romantic or sexual with each other.  A quad might consist of two male and female dyads or any other combination of men and women.  Quads made up of two men and two women are most commonly configured in one of three ways: only the men and women are romantic with each other; the women are romantic with the men and with each other; or everyone is romantic with each other.  I won’t go any further with this.  Suffice it to say, the possibilities increase dynamically with each increase in the number of people involved. 

Several authors pointed out that many poly folks around the world are ecologically minded and poly household formations are a means of conserving natural resources.  I also think that poly household formations are sometimes spawned by economic necessity.  It seems inevitable that economic forces will drive the formation of poly households now and into the future, especially triads and quads.

In the fifties, Ozzie went off to work every day, while Harriet stayed home and attended to childrearing and household chores.  Today, unless wealthy, families require two wage earners just to meet basic needs and enjoy a nice home.  As expenses continue to outstrip earnings, who do we send to work next? The nuclear family is a thing of the past, so I think we will see more and more friends and friendly couples forming combined households and many of these formations, if not romantic when first formed, are likely to eventually become so in a shared environment. 

In summary, a poly-family can be of any size and configuration; a poly family can be hierarchical or non-hierarchical, meaning the relationships can be identified as primary, secondary or equal.  A poly family may or may not live together and form a single household, or may or may not be polyfidelitous.  (Polyfidelity is similar to monogamy in that each member of the family agrees to abstain from sex with anyone outside of the family. This can be for emotional or safer sex or both reasons.)  The possibilities seem endless. 

If you are interested in poly configurations, What Does Polyamory Look Like? by Mim Chapman, is mostly about the wide range of poly configurations and the issues surrounding them.  However, this is only of minor interest to me.  I very much like Deborah Anapol’s thoughts about polyamory: “I use the word polyamory to describe the whole range of lovestyles that arise from an understanding that love cannot be forced to flow or be prevented from flowing in any particular direction.  Love, which is allowed to expand, often grows to include a number of people.  But to me, polyamory has more to do with an internal attitude of letting love evolve without expectations or demands that it look a particular way than it does with the number of partners involved.”* 

To paraphrase, love cannot be forced to flow or be prevented from flowing in any particular direction; love should be allowed to evolve without any expectation that it look a particular way or that it involve a particular number of people. This, to me, is the essence of polyamory.

*Anapol, Deborah (2010-08-16). Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners (p. 1). Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Hierarchical vs. Non-hierarchical Relationships 

“The ways in which people practice polyamory are unique and entirely specific to them. There is no formula for polyamory. But poly people generally adhere to one of two models: hierarchical and nonhierarchical. Consider which style feels more appropriate for you or fits with your goals. Some poly people structure their relationships hierarchically, and they consider one relationship primary.  A primary partner can be considered primary for a variety of reasons: the relationship is more central or significant than others; you live together; you make major life decisions together; you share resources and finances; you jointly own property or a business; you raise children together; you have made a formal commitment, such as marriage, domestic partnership, or handfasting; you are fluid-bonded (you share bodily fluids with each other without barriers); or you have been together longer than your other relationships.”*

“In nonhierarchical polyamory, no single relationship is considered primary. Each relationship is different and unique. They may all be equally important or they may vary greatly in terms of time, energy, commitment, and significance, but they are not ordered by priority. For poly people who intentionally choose not to create a hierarchy, a nonhierarchical approach is usually part of their overall personal philosophy.” **

The above quotes from Opening Up generally speak for themselves.  Clearly, if both or all of your relationships are considered primary and are of equal importance to you, you are practicing non-hierarchical polyamory.  But I am left a little confused by the statement that relationships may vary greatly in terms of commitment and significance, yet not be ordered by priority; in other words, they are still considered non-hierarchical.  Taormino gives us a clue when she states that this is usually part of an overall personal philosophy.  I believe she is saying that these relationships really are hierarchical, but the partners prefer not to use hierarchical language.  A number of authors alluded to the use of hierarchical terms as demeaning, inferring that secondary and tertiary partners are somehow inferior.  I understand this point of view, but I also believe hierarchical terms add clarity. 

Connie is and forever will be my number one, my primary; also, our children were not raised in a poly household by multiple poly parents.  We are a traditional family and our children know nothing about their parents’ plural relationships.  We want to keep it that way, at least until they are adults.  Thus, I am only interested in having a secondary and in being a secondary, and this in no way offends me.  On the other hand, in a poly family household, for example, I can see where it would be important not to rank relationships.  Again, there is very little right or wrong about poly; it’s whatever works for the people involved.

*Tristan Taormino. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (pp. 74-75). Kindle Edition. 
**Tristan Taormino. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (pp. 78-79). Kindle Edition.   


Equity 

Polyamory is sometimes confused with polygamy, especially religious polygamy.  Patriarchal polygamy is called polygyny; matriarchal polygamy, which is much less common, is called polyandry.  However, polyamory is none of these things.  Polyamory is secular, having nothing to do with religious practices having differentiating privileges for men and women.  Polyamory respects children and has nothing to do with pedophilia and other forms of child abuse, such as the case with a religious cult frequently in the news lately.  Polyamory can be abused, just as monogamy can be abused, but this has to do with the individuals involved, not the fact of loving more than one. 

Deborah Anapol provides this perspective: “Where equity is present, one person may still assume more leadership than the other(s), or different people may assume leadership in different arenas or decide to rotate responsibilities, but the process of making decisions is one that is mutually agreed on as beneficial for everyone. This style has sometimes been described as power with rather than power over, or mutually empowering.”*

The most common cause of conjugal murder in our society is sexual jealousy.  Francoise Simpere in her book, The Art and Ettiquette of Polyamory, addresses crimes of passion and relationship equity in this insightful quote: “Polyamory sees sexuality as a privilege, a joyful means of communication, unlike the guilt-provoking prudishness and constraints of standardized sexuality. It advocates peaceful and responsible romantic relationships in societies where dramatic breakups and crimes of passion have become commonplace. In addition, it creates perfect equality between men and women.”** 

*Anapol, Deborah (2010-08-16). Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners (pp. 81-82). Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
**Simpere, Francoise (2011-02-10). The Art and Etiquette of Polyamory (p. 38). Skyhorse Publishing. Kindle Edition.   

Jealousy 

I believe there are many people today who are curious about relationship alternatives, people who intuitively understand that life-long monogamy may not be the best relationship choice for them.  There is now a whole generation of young people who have enjoyed friends with benefits and who are not anxious to give up the pleasures of plural sexing after marriage.  Some people try non-monogamy and ultimately revert to the comfort and security of monogamy, or at least the appearance of monogamy, due to cultural conditioning and all of the social pressures that go with it.  Some people know themselves too well to try non-monogamy, knowing they would be too jealous or too insecure.  However, most people just default to monogamy, not giving any alternatives a second thought.

For those who attempt non-monogamy and fail, the most common reason is the emotion we call jealousy.  Jealousy is really an umbrella term for an array of feelings, including envy, competitiveness, insecurity, rejection fear, abandonment fear or fear of feeling left out, unloved or inadequate.  It is different things for different people at different times.  As such, when feeling jealous, it is important to drill down and come to an understanding of the root source.

Once the root emotion is recognized and acknowledged, some of the authors set forth various exercises for deconstructing feelings of fear or insecurity.  This is not an easy task because the feelings are valid and very real, even if not founded in truth.  These worthwhile exercises may be life changing for some people; however, much has already been written about managing jealousy and the specifics are beyond the scope of this writing.  If you are interested in knowing more, my reading list is a good starting point. 

There is a truth I will share with you:  in order to manage jealousy, you must face it head-on and give yourself permission to feel it.  Too often, non-monogamous folks employ diversion or other tactics to avoid feeling jealous.  Staying busy to take your mind off of whatever your partner is doing is okay, but only after jealousy has been fully experienced and reduced to a manageable level.  Running away from painful feelings of jealousy is counter-productive, because you can’t manage what you don’t know and understand. Conversely, by confronting jealousy, you are training yourself to understand that the feelings, although painful, are survivable and not the end of the world.  In the grand scheme of things, there are far worse things than feeling jealous.

There is another truth I will share with you.  It concerns a poly acronym known as NRE, meaning new relationship energy.  It can cause your partner to behave like a teenager with her first crush, and in turn, cause you to easily become possessive, jealous and insecure.  Connie and I have been through this and it is not fun.  And the really bad news: there’s nothing that can be done about it.  And the really good news: it will eventually go away.  My second truth: NRE is temporary, so don’t overreact.

When I am feeling jealous, I will find a quiet space, turn on new age music, close my eyes and do absolutely nothing, except soak-up and even embrace the feelings coming over me.  This exercise has taught me that feelings of jealousy are not only survivable, but can rather easily be reduced to manageable levels.  On each occasion I have done this, my negative feelings eventually dissipated, displaced by a degree of satisfaction knowing I was able to convert painful feelings to something perhaps mildly unpleasant, but tolerable; on each occasion, compersion (defined below) eventually displaced jealousy; and on each occasion, I learned something about myself and grew a little more. 

Each author on my reading list addresses the subject of jealousy.  Jealousy management is clearly a vital aspect of successful plural loving.  The authors write competently, and at times eloquently, about jealousy and managing jealousy.  However, both editions of The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, are my favorite works addressing the emotional aspects of non-monogamy, including the handling of jealousy.  They tackle complex subjects with humor and an easy to read style.  If you have not already read one of these works, I highly recommend that you do so.

 I will conclude this section with a wonderful quote by Deborah Anapol, which is a lead-in to the Chapter dealing with jealousy in each of the two editions of The Ethical Slut: “Let jealousy be your teacher.  Jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most need healing.  It can be your guide into your own dark side and show you the way to total self-realization.  Jealousy can teach you how to live in peace with yourself and with the whole world if you let it. —Deborah Anapol, Love without Limits”* 

*Easton, Dossie; Hardy, Janet W. (2011-04-20). Ethical Slut (Kindle Locations 1844-1847). Celestial Arts. Kindle Edition.

Compersion

Jealousy is based in part on a belief in scarcity, known as starvation economies.  It is learned in childhood: If your sibling gets a big piece of pie, there is less left over for you.  In adulthood, this carries over to romantic love and the feeling that love is scarce and can be lost or taken away.  If she loves Bill, there will be less love for me.

For some, the process of conquering this fear of loss can be daunting.  It means letting go.  In the movies, you let her go, and if she eventually returns, it is meant to be.  It is stated much better in The Ethical Slut: “Getting over past fears of starvation can be one of the biggest challenges of ethical sluthood. It requires an enormous leap of faith: you have to let go of some of what feels like yours, trusting that it will be replaced in abundance by a generous world. You need to get clear that you deserve love and nurturance and warmth and sex. If the world hasn’t been all that generous to you in the past, this may be very difficult.”*

Compersion is the opposite of jealousy.  You won’t find this word in Webster, but it is an important poly concept.  It is the joy one experiences from the pleasure a beloved receives from another.  Compersion is based on abundance, not scarcity.  Love is not scarce, so there is no need to compete for it.  If you believe the world will be generous to you, you can not only let her go, but you can be happy for her – happy for the emotional and sexual pleasure she receives from another.

Mim Chapman in her book, What does polyamory Look Like?, explains it very well: “Some people describe compersion as the opposite of jealousy. Jealousy is based, in part, on a belief in scarcity—I was given only one cup of love, and if I give a spoon of it to him, I have one less spoonful for you! This sense of scarcity breeds envy, fear of loss, and competitiveness. It leads to worrying that if a new love is more attractive, sexier, brighter, or more fun than I am, my primary may leave me for that person, and I’ll be all alone once more. Literature and television reinforce this model of scarcity, and sometimes go so far as to see jealousy as an evidence of love! Compersion, on the other hand, is based on a belief in abundance, in which there is no need to compete for the supposedly scarce commodity of love. It holds that love breeds more love, and that when I see someone I love experiencing joy from the love of someone else, this brings me joy as well.”**

The application of starvation economies to love is both false and dangerous.  For example, if a parent has a second child, the first child is unlikely to be loved less.  Love is boundless, limited only by real world constraints, the most limiting of which is time.

I Googled Buddha love quotes and found this gem: “Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”  The very same can be said of love: love never decreases by being shared.  It is true that the number of relationships that can be successfully maintained is finite due to time and energy constraints; however, love is never a limiting factor.  You will never run out of it.

*Easton, Dossie; Hardy, Janet W. (2011-04-20). Ethical Slut (Kindle Locations 1007-1010). Celestial Arts. Kindle Edition.
**Chapman PhD, Mim (2010-08-10). What Does Polyamory Look Like? (Kindle Locations 360-366). iUniverse. Kindle Edition. 


Agreements

Agreements are an especially important matter in poly relationships, since marriage and the benefits and protections legal marriage affords, is only possible with one of your beloveds.  Especially, in a non-hierarchical poly family household, legal contracts covering matters such as estate, medical and child custody issues can take on a great deal of significance for all concerned.  Even so, there is still no guarantee the courts will follow your wishes, but it is much more likely when they are set forth in writing.   If you are in, or contemplating being in, a relationship which can benefit from legal agreements, retain a good lawyer who is sympathetic to and knowledgeable about alternative relationships.

Another type of agreement, one setting forth romantic and sexual boundaries, is very important in any non-monogamous relationship.  Without clear boundaries, conflicts and misunderstandings are inevitable.  It is equally important to avoid an agreement of “don’t ask and don’t tell”, which has a proven track record of detachment over time.  In hierarchical relationships, it is common for primary partners to negotiate some limits on romantic and sexual activities with secondary partners.  Also, the sharing of some agreed upon amount of information with your primary about these activities builds intimacy and trust.

Each author touches upon the various aspects of relationship negotiations and contracts, some in great detail.  A few discuss legal contracts in some depth.  For detailed information regarding these topics, turn to my reading list.

Safer Sex Practices

The importance of maintaining good sexual health cannot be stressed enough.  A couple authors tackle this subject in detail, covering specifics of safer sex practices, such as the types of sexually transmitted infections and diseases, as well as preventative measures.  Also, to some extent, most of the authors discuss polyfidelity and fluid bonding as positive strategies for emotional bonding and sexual health.  Some opined that the incidence of infection for poly folks is no greater than the population at large due to greater diligence.  I hope this is the case; poly folks have more at stake because they have more lovers to protect.

Taormino says, “Every sexual encounter we have with another person carries physical and emotional risks, responsibilities, and rewards. While you may not be able to anticipate or guard against feelings or psychological issues that arise from an erotic experience, you can do your best to protect your body from infection and disease. It's important to know what STIs are, how they are transmitted, and how to protect yourself from them. It's equally important for you and your partner(s) to get tested regularly for STIs.”*

And I really like this quote: “Remember: fucking without anxiety and doubt is sexy.”**

*Tristan Taormino. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (p. 264). Kindle Edition.
**Tristan Taormino. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (p. 263). Kindle Edition.

The State of Marriage 

While life-long monogamy is the sole cultural norm for sexual relating in our society, the two most common relationship choices are serial monogamy and cheating.  Both are forms of non-monogamy.  Serial monogamy means having multiple partners, but having only one partner for a limited period time before moving on to the next.  Sadly, this often manifests itself by way of marriage and divorce, remarriage and divorce, and so on.  This is commonly known as the grass is greener syndrome.  The root cause is found in an important underlying principle of polyamory: it is impossible for one person to satisfy all of our physical and emotional needs.  So in our sex-negative culture, instead of adding a complementary partner or complementary partners, we leave one primary relationship for another, which over time will likely also result in some level of dissatisfaction.  Thus, the cycle repeats itself.

Regarding the ever popular form of non-monogamy known as cheating, Jenny Block in her book Open quotes Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Dealing with Affairs: “The reality is that monogamy is not the norm, not by today’s standards, anyway. Conservative estimates are that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair.” Vaughan also says that the statistics become “even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it’s unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages.”*

Deborah Anapol adds this perspective: “Is infidelity monogamy? What about serial monogamy? These may sound like silly questions, but with as many as 70 percent of all couples experiencing extramarital affairs, monogamy has been redefined. Most of these couples consider themselves to be monogamous, as do couples who divorce and remarry others. Clearly, their behavior does not match their identities.”**

Of course, the percentage of non-monogamous marriages becomes even higher when we account for ethical, meaning consensual, non-monogamous marriages.  I won’t speculate what that percentage might be, but it is safe to say that the percentage of truly monogamous marriages is relatively small.  This is not surprising.  Studies have shown that most primates are not monogamous and the human animal is no exception.

Deborah Anapol has this to say on the state of marriage in our society: “Most observers agree that traditional marriage is floundering. While some couples still manage to thrive, they are in the minority. Rising divorce rates, declining marriage rates, and the skyrocketing incidence of infidelity on the one hand and sexless marriage on the other have many people concerned about their prospects for marital bliss and newly curious about alternatives.”*** 

In conclusion, the current marriage paradigm in our society is one of social monogamy and sexual non-monogamy. In other words, we put up a monogamous façade, showing the world how merrily happy we are as a faithful couple, while one or both persons in the majority of marriages behaves much differently.  This confusing disconnect often has tragic consequences.  When the truth of a cheating spouse becomes known, many people suffer a sense of betrayal often described as more painful than the suffering resulting from the death of a loved one.  Of course divorce, if that should result, can be terribly traumatic, especially if children are involved. 

All of this leads me to believe there must be a better way, a more honest and ethical paradigm than the singular cultural norm of life-long monogamy.  And I believe a better way is no one way, but many ways.  The ways in which people relate sexually and romantically should be based on individual needs and desires, and free from the burdens of religious and cultural dogma.  It can be conscious monogamy, tribal polyamory or anything in between.  The key is giving people the freedom to make their own choices in life without fear of condemnation or retribution.  Remember the wonderful quotation, taken from Polyamory in the 21^st Century, I shared with you earlier: “love cannot be forced to flow or be prevented from flowing in any particular direction.” And love for each of us can flow to none, one, more than one, or many, and this is how it should be.

*Jenny Block (2009-02-01). Open (p. 115). Seal Press. Kindle Edition.
**Anapol, Deborah (2010-08-16). Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners (p. 12). Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.
***Anapol, Deborah (2010-08-16). Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners (p. 2). Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

The Seven Natural Laws of Love 

Polyamory is about love and reading about love wetted my appetite for more knowledge.  Specifically, I wanted to know how love’s nature might plug into polyamory concepts.  I found what I was looking for on Deborah Anapol’s website: a short book titled, The Seven Natural Laws of Love.  She devotes a whole chapter to each law, which is really a principle, and summarizes the seven laws at the end of the book. 

Anapol points out the fallacy of searching for the love we seek from others.  We try to find the perfect partner or change the one we have to better satisfy our emotional and physical needs.  Yet, contrary to popular belief, there is no perfect partner, nor can we change an imperfect partner.  A more true understanding tells us that love comes from within and can only be shared; it cannot be given, received or lost, nor can it be found outside of ourselves.  Further, love is boundless and inclusive; there is plenty of love to share with others.

An understanding that love comes from within frees us from the tendency to possess and control those we love and frees us from dependency on others for the love we seek.  Anapol says, “Any desire to find in the other a solution to your needs, or an escape from confronting your own sense of separation, your own fears and anxieties, translates into attachment, dependency, and manipulation, not love.”*

Polyamorists are strong individualists who refuse to claim ownership of the people they love.  Instead, they look within for their sense of security.  They realize love is abundant and there is plenty to share with others.  Poly folks never worry about running out of love.  Compersion is said to be the opposite of jealousy, but I can make an argument that compersion is really love in its purest sense.  And after reading the book, I am convinced that “loving many” and loves nature complement each other perfectly. 

While certainly not a substitute for reading the book, the following summary presented at the conclusion of The Seven Natural Laws of Love will impart some understanding of the seven laws: 

“1. Love is its own law. Let love be your guiding principle. When in doubt, listen to your heart. Don’t allow mental concepts, beliefs, or assumptions that are not based on love to dictate your behavior.

 “2. The law of source. You are the source of love. The love inside you is abundant and eternal. You don’t need to beg, control, or compromise in order to be loved. 

“3. The law of attraction. The more you focus on love and gratitude, the more you will be surrounded by love. If you complain, blame, and dwell on fear, you’ll attract others who are also resentful, angry, and fearful. 

“4. The law of unity. Love knows no borders and no boundaries. Love includes everyone and everything. Love takes no position, rising above separation. Find unity within by resolving the conflicts inside yourself and you won’t have to act them out with another. 

“5. The law of truth. Let telling the truth about who you are and what you are feeling and thinking be your foundation. Vulnerable self-disclosure allows for empathy and understanding. The more truth is shared the more love grows. 

“6. The law of consciousness. Love is a state of consciousness available only when you’re willing to relinquish your defenses. Protection is a barrier to love. Love cannot be given or taken but it can be shared. The vibration of love in you is often stimulated when you come into contact with one who carries it. 

“7. The law of forgiveness. It’s ok to make mistakes. Very few humans are able to love perfectly. Forgive yourself and others generously and you’ll always have a second chance. Focus more on giving than getting and you’ll have much less forgiving to do.”** 

*Anapol, Deborah Taj (2005-08-29). The Seven Natural Laws of Love (p. 7). Cumberland House Publishing. Kindle Edition.
**Anapol, Deborah Taj (2005-08-29). The Seven Natural Laws of Love (p. 120). Cumberland House Publishing. Kindle Edition. 


Conclusion

My reading sources cover many more topics than those I have overviewed, or overviewed only briefly.  Many of these topics are directed toward the management of active poly relationships, covering such practical matters as coming out, being outed, safer sex, agreements and legal matters, conflict resolution, division of labor in poly households and raising children.  Political activism and other topics tackled by the authors have world-wide historical, cultural and statistical significance, and while interesting, are far beyond the scope of this writing.  My focus has been limited to sharing the basics of what I have learned for general information purposes.  If this writing helps even one poly-curious person make an important life decision, my effort will be well rewarded.

Most authors concede that successful polyamory is difficult at best.  As the number of partners increase, it becomes exponentially more difficult managing multiple relationships.  Managing only one romantic relationship is hard enough; imagine loving more than one and devoting enough time and energy to satisfy the emotional and physical needs of each!  This becomes especially challenging if you have multiple co-primaries who have no other relationships.

Also, polyamory is counter-cultural with potentially severe consequences if neighbors, teachers and employers learn of your poly nature.  Some poly folks have lost jobs and have even lost custody of their children for no reason other than loving more than one person. Chapman states, “There are currently no laws protecting poly individuals or families from discrimination in work, housing, or child custody issues. So even though you might like to be out of the closet as poly, and to make political statements about your poly status, it is wise to consider the implications if you have children or a job that might be at risk.”*

As to the matter of fucked up priorities, leave it to a French woman to say it best: “It is hard to believe that a war built on the lies of one country, the pillaging of poor countries, the job losses of millions of workers, the failure of the financial system, or cases of tax evasion produce less of a scandal than the statement, ‘We each have simultaneous, multiple relationships, and we’re happy about it.’”**

It should be noted that all of the authors are polyamorous, and as such, have a built-in bias favoring the practice of polyamory.  However, all admit that monogamy is a perfectly fine relationship choice, if it is in fact a conscious choice and not a cultural default.  They believe the couple will remain the primary relationship form and each couple should be free to choose the number of additional partners, if any, that works best for them.  Their view and mine is that monogamy works for many, but certainly not most, couples.

On a personal note, prior to embarking on the study of polyamory, I had given no thought to the notion that my own relationship orientation might be poly.  I now believe that it is.  I am accepting of polyamory and would welcome a secondary relationship if love should flow in that direction. While my primary is my sole love at this time, I have no doubt I am capable of loving more, as we all are.

I believe my primary is actively poly, although she does not identify as such.  Connie has a relationship with at least one other man that is ethical and, I believe, romantic.  She would say that she is not madly in love with him, but I think there is a broad spectrum of what most people would call romantic love.  We know by definition that there must be more to a poly relationship than sex, and in Connie’s case, I think there is.

As mentioned earlier, the difference between polyamory and casual sex relationships, such as swinging, is a continuum, not a dichotomy.  However, while this is true in a behavioral sense, I believe polyamory and swinging are  worlds apart culturally.  I have come to realize that polyamory has, or can have, a spiritual aspect, aligning much more closely with tantra than swinging.  In tantric belief, when genitals come together, energy is generated having the potential to enlighten the couple, but also to spread out across the globe, making the world a better place.  Similarly, if I broadcast my love, which comes from within, out to the world and someone tunes in to my frequency, making a love/sex connection, the world becomes a better place.    

 

I cannot express my feelings about life, love and sex more eloquently than the words of Easton and Hardy at the close of The Ethical Slut:

“We dream of a world where no one is driven by desires they have no hope of fulfilling, where no one suffers from shame for their desires, or embarrassment about their dreams, where no one is starving from lack of sex.  We dream of a world where no one is limited by rules that dictate that they must be less of a person, and less of a sexual person, than they have the capacity to be.

“We dream of a world where nobody gets to vote on your life choices, or who you choose to love, or how you choose to express that love, except yourself and your lovers. We dream of a time and a place where we will all be free to publicly declare our love, for whoever we love, however we love them. 

"And may we all look forward to a lifetime of dreams come true."*** 


*Chapman PhD, Mim (2010-08-10). What Does Polyamory Look Like? (Kindle Locations 1468-1471). iUniverse. Kindle Edition.
**Simpere, Francoise (2011-02-10). The Art and Etiquette of Polyamory (pp. 83-84). Skyhorse Publishing. Kindle Edition.
***Easton, Dossie; Hardy, Janet W. (2011-04-20). Ethical Slut (Kindle Locations 4669-4675). Celestial Arts. Kindle Edition. 

My Reading List

Thus far, I have read these works: 

The Ethical Slut
A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities

Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt (Janet W. Hardy)

The Ethical Slut
A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

Opening Up
A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

Tristan Taormino

Polyamory in the 21st Century
Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners

Deborah Anapol, PhD

What does Polyamory Look Like?
Polydiverse Patterns of Loving and Living in Modern Polyamorous Relationships

Mim Chapman, PhD

Open
Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage

Jenny Block

The Art & Etiquette of Polyamory

Francoise Simpere

The Seven Natural Laws of Love

Deborah Anapol, PhD

I have viewed these and other online resources:

Polyamory?

Franklin Veaux

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

Polyamorous Percolations

by Alan

http://polyamoryonline.org/

Loving More

Supporting Polyamory and Relationship Choice

http://www.lovemore.com